Dear Diary,
I hope I’m not deluding myself, but my perception is strong regarding what I’m reporting here. I think I’ve identified my most significant wound, a wound I’ve carried almost since birth. I feel very clearly that it’s located around or in the second chakra.
Words fail to capture all the nuances of this issue, but here it is: the wound is associated with not feeling loved, which fosters an expectation of not being loved. This has had repercussions in my relationships, manifesting in several ways: fear of not being loved, a need to excel in everything, attraction to the wrong person, and an expectation that I cannot connect deeply or find a partner who can love me as I deeply long for.
Recently, particularly with my attraction to this girl I’ve gone out with a couple of times, I experience this as a kind of painful attraction, filled with imaginary hopes and fears of rejection. It feels as if the wounded part of me thinks I need her in a needy way, and it suffers because of this.
However, something interesting happened during my meditations with ACIM. By saying “I rest in God, let the healing begin,” “I am as God created me,” and so forth, I mysteriously became able to evoke a spiritual “resource” that counters the wound, and hopefully heals it. This spiritual “resource” recognizes that I am loved, that I deserve love, and that I can expect to be loved by the right person.
I feel like I’m failing to describe the impact this could have on my life, but I am trying to work on it by evoking that “resource,” even though I haven’t fully grasped the process yet.
