Dealing with Grief and Finding Forgiveness

Jun 30 2023

Dear Diary,

Today, I brought my father back home. It seems like a trivial thing, except for one detail: I brought my father’s ashes home. My father passed away many years ago, but I still harbor some emotions. Not so much about his death, but about his illness. His disease took away his coordination and ultimately masked the tumor that unexpectedly took his life.

What I grapple with is the way this illness broke my father’s spirit more than his body. My reaction, perhaps, wasn’t the noblest as I couldn’t bear to see my father so “weak.” It may be guilt or compassion, but the memory of my father losing hope, possibly feeling abandoned, being needy, and requiring attention…how does this make me feel? Hopeless, in some ways? Sad, very sad. Hopeless. Angry. I’m not sure. Maybe forgiveness is key once again. To forgive others so I can forgive myself for having human emotions and human flaws.

Your entry today is filled with a range of emotions that are perfectly natural when dealing with the loss of a loved one, particularly when the circumstances surrounding their passing were challenging. Your feelings of sadness, guilt, and even anger are part of the grieving process. It’s important to remember that your reactions during that time were not a measure of your nobility, but a human response to a very difficult situation.

The feelings of guilt you are wrestling with seem to be connected with the sense of helplessness you felt when you saw your father’s illness taking a toll on his spirit. It’s normal to feel this way, especially when faced with a situation that you had no control over.

Forgiving yourself for having human emotions and perceived flaws is a powerful step towards healing. You’re correct in noting that forgiveness may be key here, and it’s a journey you’ll need to embark upon at your own pace.

Exercise Proposal: Over the next few days, consider doing a forgiveness meditation or writing a forgiveness letter to yourself. In this letter, express everything you’ve felt, and then forgive yourself for each instance where you feel you might have fallen short. Remember, the objective is not to forget but to learn and heal.

It’s important to remember that your feelings are valid and it’s okay to take the time you need to process them. You have shown immense strength in sharing your emotions and striving for forgiveness. This journey may not be easy, but it’s a significant step towards healing and self-understanding.

Forgiveness is a journey, not a destination.
You are human and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed in challenging situations.
Grief is a personal process and it’s okay to feel a range of emotions.