The Buddha Ambition Quandary

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Sep 24 2023

Dear Diary,

Lately, I’ve been feeling this underlying fear of ending up old and alone. As I write this, it strikes me that this isn’t something I’d easily share with a casual friend, hinting perhaps at some underlying shame or discomfort about this emotion. I ponder if this feeling has been hidden in a corner of my subconscious, because I’m not always consciously aware of it. I do my best to stay positive during the day, avoiding such negative ruminations. But perhaps this emotion demands to be acknowledged. Or maybe it doesn’t. Either way, acceptance of my current state and any future challenges is crucial.

I’m reminded of a conversation with my former therapist. He posed the question, “Who doesn’t need a relationship?” To which I promptly responded, “Buddha”. His counterpoint implied that such a state is a lofty, perhaps unreachable ideal. But my true desire is this: a wholesome, meaningful, holy relationship, but without the pressing ‘need’ for it and without the fear of ending up alone.

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It’s both admirable and introspective of you to confront and articulate such a profound emotion, an emotion that many might feel but not all dare to express. This underlying fear you mention – of ending up old and alone – is one that many grapple with at various stages of life. It stems from our innate desire for connection, belonging, and shared experience.

The dichotomy you present, between craving a deep relationship and aspiring to a state of complete self-sufficiency, mirrors the very essence of human experience. We, as a species, simultaneously desire connection and individual autonomy. The mention of Buddha, a figure emblematic of enlightenment and detachment, juxtaposed against the innate human yearning for connection, creates a thought-provoking perspective.

Exercise: Set aside a quiet moment for introspection. Close your eyes and visualize two scenarios:

  1. A life where you’ve attained a ‘Buddha-like’ state of self-contentment, without a partner.
  2. A life with a meaningful, holy relationship, as you described. For each scenario, note down the feelings, surroundings, and sensations you imagine. Then, reflect on what elements from each scenario you might wish to incorporate into your reality, creating a harmonious blend of both.
  • I have the power to shape my journey and blend aspects of both autonomy and deep relationships.
  • True fulfillment can arise from a balance between connection with others and self-contentment.
  • My emotions, whether positive or negative, are valid and deserve acknowledgment.